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Friendships in Adulthood
Georgia shifted nervously as she joined the congregation in singing "What a
Friend We Have in Jesus." She was convinced that Jesus was her best friend.
But as she scanned the audience, she thought, Even though all these people
are singing this song, I don't know anybody here. I could not single out anyone
whom I would call my friend, even though I have a nodding acquaintance with
dozens of them. What does it take to make friends here? Many believers
face Georgia's dilemma. What is friendship in adulthood? Can friendship exist
between men and women, between men, and between women?
If you were to list the most significant people in your life, your
list would certainly include friends. Friendships are formed on the basis of
mutual feelings of affection, loyalty, and emotional disclosure.
For the most part we choose friends whom we see as like us in age, marital
status, who live close to us, or with whom we have shared a momentous event
together. We may have educational similarities or common interests or attitudes.
AdultApplication: What
is your definition of a "good" friend? Think about your friends. Where and under
what circumstances did you meet? How did your relationship move from acquaintance
to friendship? How do you maintain your friendships? What threats have occurred
to jeopardize your friendships?
There are decided advantages for adults to form friendships. Having an intimate
friend has been shown to be related to higher morale and less depression, even
during periods of major role losses such as a spouse's death. Researchers are
coming to acknowledge the critical roles played by informal relationships such
as families, neighbors, and even acquaintances such as grocery clerks and letter
carriers. They are especially important to adults as they age.
Older persons who have family members nearby may turn to friends
and neighbors for immediate assistance before they turn to family members because
friendships involve mutual and voluntary exchanges between equals. Such may
not be the case between family members. The nature of the task at hand dictates
whether family members, neighbors, or other friends are called upon. Friends
are often the links between the elderly and community services among ethnic
minorities. As persons age, they may be reluctant to move closer to their children
and other family members because friends are an important source of companionship
and losing friends in the senior years can be difficult. Although friendships
decline from mortality, elders steadily make new friends from acquaintances
and neighbors, and close relationships get closer with age.
Friendships vary according to gender. As may be expected, women
have many more intimate friendships. For many men their wives are their only
confidants. Losing one's spouse then is especially devastating. In contrast,
women satisfy their needs for intimacy throughout their lives by developing
close friendships. Therefore they are less emotionally dependent on their marital
relationship when divorce or widowhood occurs. Men have large social networks,
and when they interact, they are more likely to compete with one another and
less likely to agree or support one another. In adulthood women disclose more,
talk more. On the other hand men do things together rather than talk. They are
more task than relationship oriented.
Both men and women choose friends from among the people they consider
their social peers. They may be similar in age, sex, marital status, and social
class. Because of this, parents are not likely to develop friendships with their
children. Church leaders should recognize the need for these kinds of relationships
and group adults in classes with their peers so they can begin and develop friendships.
Peer friendships provide common ties based on shared life transitions and similar
work experiences. Age as a basis for friendship becomes more important as the
person's ties to other networks, such as work, are lessened.
This analysis of friendship patterns for adults has great consequences
for church leaders of adults. Adults attend church activities week after week
in part because they expect to see their friends. The common practice of prayer
requests before Bible teaching is an expression of compassion for their friends
and acquaintances. In addition, adults who volunteer to teach and serve enhance
their sense of belonging to a group of friends. Beyond the church neighbors
give mutual help as they solve problems together and exchange resources. Have
you ever loaned a neighbor a rake or ladder? Neighbors are friends who live
near us.
AdultApplication: List
the names of your friends. Are you satisfied with the number of your friends?
Are you satisfied with the quality of your friendships? In your church are members
of adult groups friends? Are events planned to encourage friendships? If members
are already good friends, are newcomers welcome?
Social Convoys
Whether naturally or by design, adults fall into social convoys as they age.
These divisions may be by age, generation, or marital status. Older, unmarried
women in a church may form an informal group and go out to eat each Sunday afternoon.
Families whose sons and daughters are playing soccer form friendships based
on their children's activities. Women and men form friendships at work that
endure over decades. In many churches a group of widows sit every week on the
same row, identifying themselves as a friendship group.
The word mentor has made its way into our vocabulary in the past two
decades. It is a distinctive form of friendship. In popular terminology a mentor
is a person, usually older and more experienced, who is able and willing to
help a protégé where he or she wants to go. The usual scheme is for the mentor
to fix the road ahead and give the novice traveler a map. However, in the Christian
context mentors are trusted guides into life, rather than a tour director, more
interested in developing competent travelers along the adult journey.
In fact, we can make a strong case for mentoring as a new form
of teaching and learning with adults. Adults learn through highly attentive
observation of another person's behavior. Mentors provide support, challenge,
and vision to others. Support is extended when we affirm their experiences.
We understand. Challenge is the second feature of mentorship. Support brings
them to us, and challenge peels them apart. Challenge opens up a gap that creates
tension. Mentors deliberately set high standards and have high expectations
of their students. In short, they challenge to challenge themselves.
For further reading:
AdultApplication: In
what way did Jesus establish a mentor relationship with His disciples?
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